Coda: Being Devilicus

[bagheera_san]

So far, all my episode codas have been serious. This really isn't (except perhaps for the final sentence. Which is a bad way to end crack-fic.)

It was inspired by something norwich36 said about Ben. (Is that his name? I had to google it.) There are a few comics in-jokes in there, and quite a few clichés about fans.

Title: Being Devilicus
Rating: PG
Characters: Lex, Ben the Fan, Clark, Clex if you're inclined to see it
Spoilers: Coda to "Action", but it barely contains spoilers. Set some weeks after the episode.
Summary: Lex and Ben fanwank themselves into being Clark's archenemy. There can be only one.


It wasn't like Lex actually needed proof that Clark had superpowers. He had been literally hit over the head with the truth too many times not to believe in it. But he was a scientist at heart, or at least he liked to think of himself that way. A good hypothesis was nothing without proof.

And frankly, Lex wanted it. Badly enough to actually consider putting on a full-on Devilicus costume (there weren't many indignities Lex wouldn't at least consider in order to get to the truth), but in the end he decided that that would be going over the top, so he had merely facilitated Ben's break-out and sent the crazed fan a very polite invitation to this very shady warehouse in the outskirts of town. He'd come alone (except for the security team and snipers stationed in the next building) and armed only with a gun. Ben, he knew, would be carrying a taser in imitation of Devilicus' preferred weapon, the static-o-matic.

Lex didn't like tasers (he had an instinctive fear of zapping himself) so he left out that part of the costume, too. He made up for it by wearing black leather gloves, which were stylish anyways. And then he waited. Ben took his time. What if he hadn't swallowed the bait? Lex felt disdain welling up at the thought that a mere three weeks in Belle Reve might have cured the man of his obsession.

But Ben's entry made it clear why he had taken so long.

He was dressed in full costume. It looked very much like the one from the movie, which had recently been auctioned off on ebay for charities, and was authentic enough that Lex had idly toyed with the thought of buying it.

Ben even wore the face paint.

A for effort, D for strategy. His lengthy disguise phase had caused Ben to arrive late and badly prepared at the meeting point, and he was panting and sweating under the paint, while Lex was calm and collected. Straightening his black tie with leather-gloved fingers, Lex gave him a small, condescending nod.

"If that costume is an indicator of your criminal energy, you might yet have a chance in that field, Ben – "

"My name is Devilicus, Luthor! You will address me that way!" Ben interrupted and struck a pose, which in the costume actually did look quite impressive. "It's my destiny to be Warrior Angel's archenemy, don't you see?" Ben actually sounded desperate for Lex to understand this. "I know him like nobody else does. I nearly killed his girlfriend. He hates me like he hates no one else on this planet. He foiled me, but I'm back. What we have is special, sublime – "

So easy. Lex barely had to say a word or raise a finger. All he needed was for Ben to get so worked up that he'd drop the ball on Clark.

"Are you telling me that you actually believe Warrior Angel is real?"

Ben crossed his arms. The frayed cloak fell elegantly around him. "He'll reveal himself soon, Luthor, but of course only by his hero name. His secret identity is quite safe with me. Only I, Devilicus, will have the privilege of using it against him."

Lex frowned. "Warrior Angel doesn't have a secret identity."

"He does! Don't you see, that's the secret he could never tell his girlfriends or even his closest friends."

Lex suppressed his smile. He was so close to getting Ben to say the fatal words. "You're wrong. In issue three of Earth's Greatest he reveals to Flying Fox and Sparrow that his biggest secret is his Floating Fortress in the rain forests of Brazil and that he's really an alien."

"That's why it's a secret identity!" Ben retorted triumphantly. "Because. It. Is. Secret." He raised a finger to his lips. "And I'm not going to tell anyone. His secret is mine!"

Damn it. "And you think that makes you his greatest foe? You aren't anything like Devilicus," Lex said, and it wasn't hard to put the necessary conviction into his words. The real Devilicus had far more… gravitas.

"Oh, really? And you think you are?" Ben scoffed.

"Let's look at the facts, shall we? I'm a billionaire. So is Devilicus, from issue 34 to issue 109, and again for a short period in the late nineties. The only point on your resume is a summer job at a B-movie."

Ben grimaced. "Everyone knows that the industrialist phase is generally considered Devilicus's worst characterisation. He was originally a scientist, and he'll always stay that at heart."

Lex hated to boast, but, "One of us went to Princeton, and it wasn't you. "

"That doesn't give you any scientist cred," Ben grimaced. "You totally quit."

It was time to pull out the big guns. "And you have scientist cred?"

Ben pulled out his Devilicus gun. The taser was taped to it with duct tape. "Behold my static-o-matic!"

Lex sighed. The sacrifices he made. "I cloned my ex-wife."

Ben stared at him, stunned, and slowly lowered the gun. "Huh. Wow. Was she hot? Did you have a threesome?"

Lex resisted rolling his eyes. "No. You know her, it's Lana Lang."

"Clark's girlfriend? She's kinda hot. You tapped that ass?" The make-up on his nose got smeared when Ben scratched himself thoughtfully. "That's actually kinda like the Seduction of the Guileless arc, you know? Where Devilicus seduces Warrior Angel's girlfriend to the dark side…"

Lex bleakly stared at him rambling on. Just say it, he thought desperately. Say it. Clark Kent is Warrior Angel. Come on.

He couldn't take it anymore. "Then you admit that I'm far more like Devilicus than you are?"

"No?" It sounded like 'duh'. Lex was close to strangling the guy. "So you're rich and a wannabe mad scientist. Whatever. Devilicus has a tragic past. He has powers. He was always an outsider – "

"I got hit by meteors when I was nine and lost all my hair."

"Oh please, that'd be cool if it had been a lab accident, but like this it's just ridiculous. You look like Warrior Angel, not Devilicus."

Secretly flattered, Lex still tried to muster up a serious expression. "My father is a murderer and a criminal."

"Well, my parents threw me out of their basement when I quit college to go to the movies. That's cruelty! They just put me on the street, with my whole collection – what if it had been raining?"

"But it wasn't raining?" Lex asked, just to clarify. This was really quite beyond ridiculous.

"No! But it could've! And then I was stranded, nowhere to go except crash at Dennis's place and it was crammed with stuff and my Black Diamond figure got dunked in a pizza and I had to fight of hordes of D&D freaks who -"

"I was stranded on a deserted island for several months."

"For real?" Ben looked impressed. "Did you, like, make a bow and arrows and went hunting?"

"I survived until I was rescued," Lex said moderately, avoiding all mention of malaria and hallucinations.

"Cool stuff, man, but it's more like a hero's origin story, you know? Hey, maybe you should try that instead of becoming a villain. You and Warrior Angel could start a team, like when he and Flying Fox started the Peace Phalanx and you could fight me and save the world!"

I'm trying, Lex thought. I'm trying. "The real point of being Devilicus is not his powers or his origin. Those are interchangeable. What sets him apart from Warrior Angel's other villains is the unique personal connection he has to the hero. Can you claim something like that?"

"I know his secret identity," Ben reminded him. "How much more personal does it get?"

"Did he ever save your life? Did you save his?" Lex asked, making his voice soft as he went in for the fatal blow. "Did he ever invite you into his home? Do you know his parents, his friends? Did you ever fight side by side? Did he ever talk to you – not about his powers, but about his life? His deepest concerns, his highest hopes? The things that truly make him who he is?"

Ben scowled. "He was at my place, once. And I saw him save his girlfriends when I tried to kill them – both Rachel and Lana –"

Lex released the breath he had been holding, golden triumph spreading warmly through his chest. "Thank you, Ben. That was all the confirmation I needed."

Ben grimaced and raised his static-o-matic. The taser crackled menacingly. "Sorry, Luthor. There can be only one Devilicus."

Stay calm, Lex told himself. Do what Devilicus would do. Talk your way out of this. "We're villains, Ben. We don't shoot each other…"

"Oh no," Ben said and laughed. "You don't understand. I can't let another villain in on the secret. I have to kill you."

"No one is going to get killed," a stern voice said. They both started. Glancing over his shoulder, Lex saw Clark, dressed in his usual combination of red jacket and blue shirt, and advancing slowly with a stormy, forbidding frown. To the uninitiated it must have looked quite intimidating. "Lower that weapon, Ben."

Ben was starting to twitch like a junkie, the gun trembling in his hand. But quite unexpectedly, a bright grin appeared on his dark painted face. He pushed back his hood. "Too bad that this moment has to come so soon, Warrior Angel. I wish our enmity had lasted longer. But a few people at Belle Reve told me a thing or two – word is that your true Achilles heel is not cosmic rays, but meteor rocks! So I loaded my static-o-matic with those rocks, just in case."

He waved it around for emphasis, but then got quite serious when he pointed it straight at Clark's chest. Clark looked surprised, even a bit wary, but fear had not yet crept onto his expression.

"It was an honour to have known you, hero," Ben said, sighed and pulled the trigger.

It hardly hurt. Lex had been shot before, and this was nothing. But he felt blood pooling in his mouth, welling over his lips warmly. Ben was staring at him with huge, shocked eyes, then at his gun, as if unable to comprehend that he had really fired it. Lex felt his knees giving in, and then there were large hands on him, holding him and he laughed bloodily.

"This is what being a real archenemy means," Lex said, a shiver going through his body.

And to make a point, because it was getting late, "He's mine."

*

"I'm not dead." Of course not. All the dignified, dramatic deaths he had nearly had never lasted.

"You got shot in the foot, Lex," Clark said, sounding amused for once. "And then you bit your lip."

Lex looked down the white hospital sheets at his foot, thickly wrapped in gauze. He felt nothing except a pleasant numbness. Painkillers. Good. Clark looked still oddly amused, even when Lex tried to focus.

"Devilicus?" he asked thickly.

"If you mean Ben, he's back in Belle Reve."

"Did he really use meteor rock bullets?"

"Green glass, actually." Clark's smile sobered. "Why did you do that, Lex? Step in front of me?"

"Didn't you listen to our conversation?" Lex replied, stumbling a little over the consonants in conversation.

"Yeah, a bit." Clark gave him a long, intense look. "So you meant all that? Lex, you realize none of what he says can be taken for true? He's a madman."

Lex held Clark's look for a moment, and found it much easier to be in a room with him now that he knew the full truth.

"He isn't, Clark. Not in a world where there really are heroes and villains."