Fic: Time Lords Made Us Do It

[bagheera_san]

A little crack fic I wrote on the best_enemies anon meme, which also serves as my entry for the audio challenge.

Title: Time Lords Made Us Do It
Rating: PG
Words: 979
Pairing: Doctor/Master
Characters: Romana, Brax, Leela, Narvin, K9
Spoilers: End of Time, vague Gallifrey spoilers
Summary: Betaed by x_los, who didn't even need to be prodded with a stick ;)




Rassilon's second rule had taken an unexpected turn and ended suddenly after the failure of his ill-conceived plan to go to Earth and become incorporeal. Most Time Lords expected things to go down the drain very quickly after that, but so far, time and the war had failed to come to an end. No one felt much inclined to have an election (it all seemed so futile), but in the vacuum left by Rassilon, the old government took care of business.

Frankly, Lady Romana wished she was at the front fighting Dalek degradations. Brax couldn't possibly be serious. But a dry little voice inside her head (that did not at all sound like Pandora) said that yes, of course he was. Brax was always serious when he smiled like that.

"So that is the plan," Braxiatel finished. "Are we all in favor of it?"

"Andred once showed me this psychic union you speak of," Leela said thoughtfully. "I was not impressed."

Coordinator Narvin made a horrible grimace that seemed to say: I did not need to know this. Romana privately agreed.

"Also," Leela said darkly, "I do not see how this will end the war."

"Unfortunately," Romana sighed, "I do. Do what you have to do, Braxiatel."

"Oh, it would be most inappropriate for me to interfere with the Doctor's private life like that, don't you think?" Braxiatel asked slyly. Romana glared at him, but she couldn't deny that Brax was right. Involving the Doctor's relatives would be one indignity too many.


"Very well. Narvin, Leela, K9, it's your job. Make it happen. And please - do spare me the gory details."

*

Probably to avenge themselves for getting this unwanted assignment, Narvin, Leela and K9 did not spare her the details.

Narvin was the first to report, and he did so with an expression of deepest disgust. "As per your request, Madam President, I had my men pluck the Doctor and the Master out of their respective time streams in the past. Since our profiles of the Doctor's third incarnation are the most complete, I decided that we would be most likely to succeed with this version of him."

"And what, pray, did you do to them? I hope it wasn't anything too drastic."

"We locked them up in a cell together."

"How very creative."

"Oh, it did have the desired results - after the many, many hours they wasted with bickering and escape attempts, I might add."

Romana sighed, both resigned and nostalgic. How many hours had she spent locked up with the Doctor, bickering? And yet it had never led to the 'desired results'. "But did it work?"

"No," Narvin said sourly. "Apparently this Master had the courtesy to keep his mental illnesses to himself. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a mindwipe to perform. On myself."


*


"...and then, when I had them both bound and gagged, I lit a fire and danced the dance of fertility for them," Leela explained, a lot more enthusiastic than Narvin had been. "The moon was full and the night was good for such things!"

"Oh my," Romana said. "How did they take it?"

"I have known only a few of the Doctor's selves," Leela said, "but I think the colourful one was not pleased with me."

"I can imagine," Romana snorted. "That version of the Doctor was very concerned about his dignity, no matter what his clothes might have led you to believe."

"But the Master seemed quite intrigued. He is not like other Time Lords," Leela mused. "Only one heart beats in his chest, and he is not afraid of his own desires. He said that if my 'alien ritual' required him to mate with the Doctor, he would be 'happy to oblige me'. He also asked if my ritual included drugs that might make the Doctor more willing."

"I hope you didn't - "

"I told him that I had already given both of them the moonroot juices while they were unconscious, and that soon, they would be free of their Time Lord prejudices, and their natural instincts would take over."

"Leela, don't you think that was a bit... unfair to the Doctor?"

"Oh," Leela said, "he did not seem to think so when the juices did their work. Neither did the Master. Their mating was good!"

"Omega save me! So did they... achieve a psychic union?"

"No. You Time Lords are a very foolish tribe. They began to argue again as soon as they recovered their senses. I had no choice but to let them go. Maybe K9 will have been more successful."

*

"Mistress," K9 said, "define 'saviour complex'?"

Sometimes Romana wondered where the little robot picked up these things. His curiosity was laudable, but he had a penchant for asking difficult questions. "Where did you get that idea?"

"The Master used this term, when he was told of our plan," the robot dog dutifully reported. "He used it to describe the Doctor. Explain?"

"Oh, so you've already completed your mission?"

"Affirmative."

"And how did it go?"

"Mission accomplished."

"K9! Well done! How did you ever manage that?"

"I sent a message to the other K9, on Earth."

"Other... oh, Sarah-Jane's K9. Go on."

"The other K9 relayed my message to the tenth incarnation of the Doctor."

"And what was that message?"

"'It is of vital importance for the fate of the universe that you have sexual intercourse with the Time Lord known as the Master, stop. You are our only hope, stop.'"

"That's... very direct."

"Other K9 observed and recorded subsequent events. Do you wish me to play that recording?"

Romana thought about it. She wondered if the tenth Doctor would be one of the good-looking ones. Well, there was always time to find out, now that they had won the war. "Not now," she decided. "But don't delete it, just in case."

Comments

[blackletter]

That is good crack.

"'It is of vital importance for the fate of the universe that you have sexual intercourse with the Time Lord known as the Master, stop. You are our only hope, stop.'"

Oh, K9 cracks me up. I also imagine Ten trying to put on a very solemn and dutiful "If I must" expression with a touch of resolute "The universe is counting on me." (No way will he admit that this is the best saving-the-universe plan he's ever seen.)

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yes, Ten will be pathetically eager to work for the Time Lords this time.

[semantics]

Ohh, and I had been craving fic with the Gallifrey team! That was lovely and hilarious. Narvin's was probably my favourite, but the entire thing was beautifully entertaining. Thank you for that.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Narvin IS my favourite, for reasons I can't quite explain. The fact that there isn't a single epic multi-chapter fic for Gallifrey is depressing.

[semantics]

Because he wears the less-impractical robes! You realize I'm just going to quietly suggest that you write an epic multi-chapter fic for Gallifrey, right?

[ushas42.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. Did poor little K-9 have to trundle out to find the Doctor himself, or was the message delivered by a bewildered Sarah Jane?

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

I think maybe K9 just called the Doctor on the phone. The logic of this fic is very tenuous, don't look at it too closely ;)

[ushas42.livejournal.com]

I just enjoy imagining her reaction. Sarah Jane has learned to be a bit Zen about the Doctor's crazy, but I think a few awkward questions are inevitable.

[reasonabsurd.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. I love Leela and Romana together. And K9's genius plan. And Narvin's line about mind wipe.

Also, I have only read about this Brax person in fic. Is he in a book or an audio? And which one? I feel like I'm out of the loop.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

I think Brax originally comes from either the Benny Summerfield audios or a tie-in novel, but the easiest way to get to know him is to listen to the Gallifrey audio series by Big Finish, where he's a regular character. And there is one episode of the TV series (classic, but don't ask me which... it might be City of Death) where the Doctor mentions "the Braxiatel collection", so that must be where people got the idea.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Glad you do! Leela is love, isn't she?

[aralias.livejournal.com]

this is one of my all time favourite things. that is all.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Favourite things are good :)

[asthenie-vd.livejournal.com]

"Not now," she decided. "But don't delete it, just in case."

whew, Romana! XD She's keeping that for victory celebrations... :P


Brilliant. ^^ Builds to a great climax what with each part being funnier than the one before. *g*

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Good to know that you found it climatic, that was one of the things I wasn't sure about (because I like Leela's and Narvin's parts better).

[asthenie-vd.livejournal.com]

well one of the things that makes it work climatic and makes it funny is that the last part is sort of an anti-climax. You have these outrages tales by Narvin and Leela, who yet still somehow fail at their task, and all K-9 has to do is to send the tenth Doctor one line = anticlimax = funny :D... as least I think it is (and I think at least Terry Pratchett would agree with me). *g*

[lukita.livejournal.com]

Bwah! =D =D =D The direct way is so much easier. XD

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Four probably built him while he was high or something, but K9 is the secret mastermind behind everything.

[vforvegan.livejournal.com]

Oh, such spot on voices. Seriously, if Who had ever had such a crack-tastic plot (apart from the usual ones, which would be cracky enough, but lack the requisite porn) that's exactly what it would be like.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

I protest, real Who has had far more cracky plots (see every story the Master was involved in, ever and plots that made less sense (I'm looking at you, anti-time universe), which is quite an achievement. But it's more or less true about the porn *g*

[evilawyer.livejournal.com]

Very amusing!

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[x-los.livejournal.com]

I concur with aralias. Leela. Leela forever.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

If that rpg thing ever happened (unlikely though it looks now) I would totally apply for the role of Leela. Or Narvin.

[flo-nelja.livejournal.com]

It's wonderfully funny, and I think I love you.
I'm not sure about how it is supposed to end the war, though. *feels stupid*

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

That's okay, because I don't know either. We'd have to ask the person who wrote the prompt.

[the-curlyone.livejournal.com]

*laughs forever* I think you can tell how much i enjoyed this.

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[age-of-green.livejournal.com]

Oh dear lord-this is such brilliant crack!

I've no experience with the Gallifrey series whatsoever, but the voices just sound right. Like, I can see the characters in my head, saying these lines.

And of course Ten would be the only one willing to go along with it all! XD

[von_gelmini.livejournal.com]

*sputter* LOL! This was great. Don't know the rest of the AU it's set in, but nearly died laughing at K9 and imagining 10's reaction. Thanks!

[renuki.livejournal.com]

You locked them in a room. Mister Narvin, you are awesome. Alas, it didn't work.

*gives Leela two thumbs up*

THIRD TIME IS A CHARM! :D

I'm not to surprised that it was Ten that finally went with the plan.