BSG fic

[bagheera_san]

selenak asked for this one. I wonder why I always find Reasons so easy to write?



1. "I'm a genius, you can't afford to kill me!"
It's the only logical thing to say, and Gaius is proud that it is, even in his fogged state of mind, the first that the thinks of. But then he remembers it isn't logic that makes Laura kill him, and it isn't logic that made him betray the colonies, and it isn't logic that moves anything that lives. Gaius doesn't remember now if he ever had faith in science, but he knows that he lost it long ago. Science is accurate, but it won't save them.

2. "God doesn't want you to kill, Laura."
This sounds good. It's probably true, as far as Gaius understands his religion, which is all about forgiveness. It's his own religion, after all, so he can say that with authority, even though he never truly feels he has any. But that's the problem. Forgiveness is his religion, not Laura's.

3. "God doesn't want me to die."
Empirical evidence seems to imply that this is a true statement. Gaius has survived so much, often so improbably, that it must be more than coincidence. If there is a God, and if He hasn't simply waited for Laura Roslin to have her moment of vengeance, then He wants Gaius to live. To live and spread his word and lead them all to forgiveness. And He might be angry if Laura killed him, except that the religion Gaius preaches is not an angry religion. And even if his God were angry, Gaius doesn't think Laura Roslin would be afraid.

4. "Killing me won't bring anybody back."
This is one of the things he has told himself whenever he thought about suicide. No one profits from him being dead, not even the dead. But now that Laura knows what he's done, his death will give her satisfaction, if only for a moment. Gaius knows all about weakness. He has sold millions and millions of lives for a few moments of pleasure. Maybe Laura Roslin is strong enough to resist, though. Maybe she is a better person than him...

5. "I want to live. Please, god, Laura, let me live. I don't want to die."
He thinks he says this, among his confused, frightened babble. He must, because it's the truth. It's the only thing that matters. This, not God, has kept him alive. This, not God, is why he forgives himself. This is what Laura will understand. What the woman who keeps count of every single human life must understand. What a woman who has been dying for years could not help but understand. He knows Laura Roslin's religion, and it is Survival, and they are both believers.